SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a special warning this afternoon, General Conference officials warned members that neglecting to pray before they eat leads directly to food poisoning.
In an email blast to all churches, GC Director of Unnecessary Graphics, Redun Dant attached an official graph charting pre-meal prayer consistency to vomiting or other involuntary bathroom behaviors.
Dant said that the line graph shows that omitting prayer from the start of a meal and dramatic food poisoning are directly correlated.
The meticulously detailed graph is illustrated by prominently placed photos of toilet stall doors adorned with the handwritten warning “Next time try praying.”
Other illustrations animating the chart are close-ups of Adventist throwing up violently along with the caption “Someone forgot to pray.”
Dant accompanied his graph with what he called a “GC Executive Order” mandating that it be included with any PowerPoint slide inviting church visitors to potluck.
The photos triggered an immediate backlash from members depicted as vomiting.
In individual complaints filed within an hour of the original email, the Adventists each claimed that their upset stomachs had nothing to do with their forgetting to say grace.
They all traced their food poisoning back to Sabbath lunch carob treats.
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