The 10 Church Members Every Adventist Pastor Dreads

The Trouble-of-Israel – Firmly believes the pastor is personally responsible for every problem in the church, the conference, and possibly the moral decline of Western civilization.
The White Stickler – Knows exactly what Ellen White said, meant, implied, or would have said if she were alive today—and is confident you don’t.
“But the Church Manual Says” Guy – Has never been elected to a church office but somehow memorized the entire manual. Will quote page numbers. In public.
The Conspiracy Theorist – Sees Jesuits, Sunday laws, microchips, and the UN behind every hymn choice. PowerPoint always included. Facts optional.
The Creepy One – You don’t know why they make everyone uncomfortable. You just know they do. HR policies were invented for this person.
The One Always Writing the Conference – Has the conference president on speed dial and treats reporting the pastor like a spiritual gift.
The Prophet of Our Times – Recently received “new light.” Shockingly, it contradicts everything and requires immediate compliance from everyone else.
“I Should Be Pastor” – Has strong opinions, no training, and a deep conviction that God called the wrong person.
“But We’ve Always Done It This Way” – The most powerful force in Adventism. Has single-handedly killed more innovation than apostasy ever could.
The Children’s Story Bail-Out – Assigned weeks ago. Confirms on Friday. Disappears Saturday morning. Texts at 9:17 a.m.: “Sorry, something came up.”

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