TAKOMA PARK, MD — Conference officials issued a gentle reminder this week clarifying that the doctrine of the Investigative Judgment does not, in fact, extend to evaluating a neighbor’s lawn décor.
The statement followed several reported incidents in which church members were observed quietly—but intensely—assessing front-yard flamingos, garden gnomes, and one particularly controversial metal windmill “that looked Catholic.”
“We want to be very clear,” said a conference spokesperson. “The Investigative Judgment concerns Christ’s mediatorial work in the heavenly sanctuary. It does not include ranking ceramic frogs by spiritual maturity.”
According to sources, confusion appears to peak during afternoon walks, when members instinctively clasp their hands behind their backs and slow their pace near yards displaying seasonal decorations outside of approved Adventist aesthetics.
“At first I thought the inflatable snowman was a metaphor,” admitted one Sabbath School teacher. “Then I realized I was just being judgmental.”
Officials stressed that noticing lawn ornaments is not, in itself, a sin, but encouraged members to refrain from drawing theological conclusions based on glitter, motion sensors, or font choice.
“Your neighbor’s pink flamingo is not evidence of Babylon,” the statement continued. “And it is not your job to quietly mention it in a prayer request.”
At press time, members were urged to redirect surplus doctrinal scrutiny toward personal spiritual growth, community service, or, if necessary, debating the correct pronunciation of eschatology.
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