GC: Adventist Coffee Tables Must Be Renamed Hot Chocolate Tables

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SILVER SPRING, Md. —
The General Conference has declared a radical rebranding of every Adventist coffee table across the globe. Say goodbye to those nefarious furniture pieces, because, starting now, they’ll all be officially dubbed “Hot Chocolate Tables.”

Yes, you read that right! No longer will the shadow of caffeine loom over faithful homes; instead, the inviting aroma of hot chocolate will fill the air, marking a triumphant victory for the Health Message.

“The days of wrestling with the appearance of evil promoted by coffee tables are over,” proclaimed one fervent church member, already envisioning serene Sabbath afternoons around the newly anointed Hot Chocolate Table. “With whipped cream and sprinkles, we’ll turn our living rooms into sanctuaries of sweetness.”

But not everyone is raising their mugs in celebration. Some die-hard traditionalists are questioning the wisdom of the decision, “Sugar consumption isn’t exactly kosher either,” said a disgruntled Adventist upon hearing the news, “and someone should tell the rule makers that there’s caffeine in chocolate too.”


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