BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Despite his best efforts, seminarian Ethan Thompson has discovered that employing pickup lines straight out of the Song of Solomon has led to a series of romantic misfires on the campus of Andrews University.
“I thought I was onto something profound,” Thompson confessed. “I mean, if it worked for Solomon, why not me?”
However, Thompson quickly realized that lines like “Your eyes are like doves” and “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead” were not exactly setting hearts aflutter.
“I thought comparing her hair to a flock of goats was poetic,” Thompson said, scratching his head. “Turns out, most people don’t find that endearing.”
Thompson’s attempts at wooing his classmates have left him without a date for the upcoming banquet, despite his fervent prayers and extensive memorization of romantic verses.
“I even tried the whole ‘you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes’ line,” Thompson admitted. “But apparently, that just comes off as creepy.”
Thompson’s friends have tried to intervene, suggesting more contemporary approaches to dating, but Thompson remains undeterred.
“I’m convinced that if Solomon could have Instagram, he would have DM’d the Shulamite woman with those exact lines,” Thompson said confidently.
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