The campus was thrown into upheaval after Pastor Jim Solo tried to normalize being single during his controversial “Alone With God” sermon. Horrified freshman girls were seen weeping in the parking lot after chapel, clutching their “Ring by Spring” towels for comfort.
“Singleness? At Southern? Those two words don’t even go together,” ranted Armando Roberts, a marketing major. “I came here specifically to hunt for my future bride, not some weird life of solitude!”
“This is not what my parents paid my tuition for,” claimed Lucas Monroe, a junior biology major. “My parents scraped together every penny so I could find a wife before Loma Linda, not learn about staying single forever!”
The speech, which mentioned radical concepts like “contentment,” “purpose” and “non-attachment to earthly relationships,” sparked protests and the pitching of a tent city which lasted until everyone had to head indoors before curfew.
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