SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In an attempt to "streamline the practice of communion," the General Conference headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has designated Welch's grape juice as the only acceptable beverage to be served as the "wine."
GC Corporate Partnerships spokesperson Pas Martinelli said the GC edict was issued in order to "clear up massive confusion that has crept into our congregations as cheap congregations have begun to cut corners with syrupy, grape-flavored sugar concoctions that should never be stocked in church pantries, much less used in communion."
Martinelli said GC leaders realized the transition would be "painful for some congregations that have been overly reliant on bulk-bought garbage." He added that after weeks dedicated entirely to blind taste tests of "Costco's Kirkland stuff versus Welch's grape juice, my colleagues and I are completely convinced that Welch's is well worth the extra expense."
Local churches will be given 13 full Sabbaths to make the necessary course correction. "This is more than enough time to dispose of inferior grape juice brands or consume them at potlucks," said Martinelli. "You shouldn't have large stores of grape juice in the first place. Neglected grape juice has a way of fermenting."
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