Adventist Church designates Welch’s as only acceptable communion juice

No discussion...
No discussion…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an attempt to “streamline the practice of communion,” the General Conference headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has designated Welch’s grape juice as the only acceptable beverage to be served as the “wine.”

GC Corporate Partnerships spokesperson Pas Martinelli said the GC edict was issued in order to “clear up massive confusion that has crept into our congregations as cheap congregations have begun to cut corners with syrupy, grape-flavored sugar concoctions that should never be stocked in church pantries, much less used in communion.”

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Martinelli said GC leaders realized the transition would be “painful for some congregations that have been overly reliant on bulk-bought garbage.” He added that after weeks dedicated entirely to blind taste tests of “Costco’s Kirkland stuff versus Welch’s grape juice, my colleagues and I are completely convinced that Welch’s is well worth the extra expense.”

Local churches will be given 13 full Sabbaths to make the necessary course correction. “This is more than enough time to dispose of inferior grape juice brands or consume them at potlucks,” said Martinelli. “You shouldn’t have large stores of grape juice in the first place. Neglected grape juice has a way of fermenting.”


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  1. The GC Corporate Partnerships spokesperson, “Pas Martinelli” has an ironic name. Welch’s definitely is “not Martinelli’s.” But I wonder what the GC Prez has to say about this after he allegedly decreed that Jesus turned water into Martinelli’s sparkling cider at the marriage feast of Cana.

  2. Richard Mills

    I call this a case of discrimination. Think of the economic damage done here by not supporting diverse grape juice companies. All the business goes to one company? That’s a monopoly. It’s unfair to good ,solid hard working Americans. It’s unBiblical. The stuff is not even blessed by a Rabbi!! Oy Vey!! My Hasidic friends have something to say about this action….”You got chutzpah. You meshugennah. you needs lotsa schmatahs. Even spilkas. Try KEDEM’s. It’s blessed by the High Rabbinical scholar, Menachem Eloni Ginsberg of Brooklyn, NY. Shalom.” Goyems love Kedem’s.

  3. Richard Mills

    Mr. Tramp-I must say you are gornisht hefin. As A WASP, I am a goyim. If I can’t have my KEDEM grape juice I am going to go mishegas, but I will not plotz. Oy vey & Mazel Tov. Woe iz me!!

    • Donald Tramp

      Yes, Richard, I may be a gornisht hefin/hopeless case, but I won’t go mishegas/crazy or plotz/explode in a padded cell unless I lose to Hilarious Clinton or I have to face Megyn Kelly in a debate. L’Chayim! (with a tall glass of kosher Kedem’s grape juice) and Oy Vey!

      Itst geyn tsurik tsu deyn padid tsel.

      • Ben Carsinogen

        Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin ! Itst geyn tsurik tsu deyn padid tsel? Now go back to your padded cell, Mr. Donald Dump / Donald Tramp / Trumpty Dumpty / Donnie Trumpaholic / LaDonald Trumpette / Donaldo Trumpez / Donaldel Trumpstein! Woe is you, woe is me, woe is we! Oy Vey!

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