Adventist Church: earrings ok if they double as timepieces


SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a dramatic reversal of its traditional anti-jewelry stance, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has released a statement declaring that earrings are acceptable attire for women as long as they “serve the church and larger community by doubling as timepieces.”

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As of next Sabbath, female church members are invited to sport earrings “as long as they contain clock faces that clearly display the time from as far as seven pews away.” The statement said that timepiece earrings would, among other things, assist Sabbath School leaders with time management “when nobody is available to ring that little bell.”

General Conference Director of Outdated Modesty Statements, Horsen Buggey, defended the update to church guidelines, saying that the Adventists have a “long, beautiful history” of justifying gaudy Sabbath morning jewelry as long as it either told the time or could in some creative way, be fastened to a lapel or blouse.

Wrapping up his remarks to a flock of confused Adventist reporters, Buggey said, “We haven’t quibbled over the finer points of principled consistency in the past, why start now?”

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  1. Paul Harby

    The unofficial SDA doctrine has always been exactly what this story says: that any kind of jewelry is OK as long as it does not touch the skin, or if it includes a clock face. For example, a cheap rhinestone is evil on a ring, but a diamond is righteous on a brooch or when sewed onto a blouse or glued onto a hair pin. Belly button rings and nose rings are usually evil, but they are fine if they include a tiny clock face so they can be deemed “functional.” Time to stop the Pharisaical double-talk. . . .

  2. Donald Dump

    Any earrings are okay if they have a little sticker saying “Vote for Donald Dump for President” — and as long as they don’t say “Vote for Ben Carsinogen” or “Vote for Hilarious Clinton.”

  3. Jack O. Lantern

    Which candidate does NOT wear any jewelry of any kind? (Hint: it’s NOT Ben Carson a/k/a Ben Car-sin a/k/a Ben Carsinogen.)

    Donald Dump
    Kris Kristy
    Jeb Butch
    Mark O. Ruby-o
    Ben Carsinogen
    Carly Flouride
    John KaySnitch
    Bobby Gin-Doll
    Hilarious Clinton
    Bernie Colonel Sanders
    Jim Kill-more
    Rick Stinktorum
    George Plasticky
    Rand Pallbearer
    Mike Huckleberry
    Ted Cruise-control
    Donald Trumpet
    Sum Ting Wong

  4. Merry Terry

    Psychiatrist: What brings you here today?

    Patient: I’m hearing voices; they’re telling me to do away with a psychiatrist.

    Psychiatrist: Sit tight for a minute; I’ll go get a psychiatrist to see you.

  5. Morris Foreman

    I was born and raised in the SDA Church and I attended its schools through college. In the past couple of years, I have to come to understand that there is no “one true church.” Any church claiming to be the “one true church,” and focusing on a list of doctrines (more than a love relationship with Christ) and seeking to micromanage its members’ lives, is a cult.

    Now I understand that the SDA church, and others like it, are business enterprises similar to multi-level marketing companies, where the real goal is to increase membership in order to bring in more tithe money. In order to inspire other Christians to join this tithe-generating system, the SDA church tries to convince them that they will be lost if they don’t join this “one true church.” Then it tries to scare them from leaving, by fostering an “us vs. them” attitude where the world is divided into SDA and “non-SDA”–and everything “non-SDA” is bad. This is a cultic strategy.

    I am glad to be in a non-denominational fellowship now, where the focus is on falling in love with Jesus, loving God with all my heart, and loving my neighbor as myself. I have found the freedom of grace and Christ’s promise: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

    • Deacon J Blues

      I like this. Good for you. I know that when the bible speaks of “the church” it is referring to the group of people who believe in and accept Jesus’s death/resurrection for payment of our sins. We aspire to live how Jesus would, but we will never really achieve perfection in this world. David had some big set backs and would have been erased many times over from my SDA church for his evil ways. But he was a man who was after God’s heart. He was human, and lucky for us, we shall not be judged by man or satan. I wish you the best in all you do.
      The SDA church is not the true and only way to salvation, but it is a good church to be in. We need to analyze the “word” for ourselves always. The SDA conf will not advocate for us in the day of judgement.

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