SILVER SPRING, Md. --- In a dramatic reversal of its traditional anti-jewelry stance, the Seventh-day Adventist Church has released a statement declaring that earrings are acceptable attire for women as long as they "serve the church and larger community by doubling as timepieces."
As of next Sabbath, female church members are invited to sport earrings "as long as they contain clock faces that clearly display the time from as far as seven pews away." The statement said that timepiece earrings would, among other things, assist Sabbath School leaders with time management "when nobody is available to ring that little bell."
General Conference Director of Outdated Modesty Statements, Horsen Buggey, defended the update to church guidelines, saying that the Adventists have a "long, beautiful history" of justifying gaudy Sabbath morning jewelry as long as it either told the time or could in some creative way, be fastened to a lapel or blouse.
Wrapping up his remarks to a flock of confused Adventist reporters, Buggey said, "We haven't quibbled over the finer points of principled consistency in the past, why start now?"
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