SILVER SPRING, Md. --- Claiming that Sabbath morning church services are starting to resemble a mass slumber party, Adventist church leadership announced formal punishments for repeat church nappers: Adventists found napping will face mandatory rebaptism.
"We are happy to overlook the first offence, but repeat snoozing in church is on the rise and congregational participation levels have taken a serious plunge," said GC Director of Member Surveillance Nestor Cansado. He added the only logical sleep deterrent would be "the threat of a plunge into the baptismal pool."
Cansado added that as this form of rebaptism would hold no symbolic spiritual significance, churches could dispense with formalities like robed attire or warming up the baptismal water.