Adventist Church removes “ultra-violent” Onward Christian Soldiers from hymn book

The image the song conjures up for too many...
The image the song conjures up for too many…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have admitted that, given substantially heightened tensions around religiously-motivated violence, there is no place for the song “Onward Christian Soldiers” in the Seventh-day Adventist hymnal.

“Our history as a church of conscientious objectors opposed to taking up arms makes singing Onward Christian Soldiers around the world on Sabbath morning the ultimate contradiction,” said General Conference Music Historian, Bitto Late.

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Late said that the hymn has already been deleted from the online Adventist hymnal and that the General Conference invited Adventists around the world to tear the “ultra-violent” song out of physical hymn books at their earliest convenience.

“To Muslims and Jews, any song about Christian soldiers is anything but a bridge builder so this song has got to go,” said Late. “And while we’re at it, we’re banning Adventist pastors from describing evangelistic efforts as crusades.”


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  1. Millie Tant

    Oh shoot, just when I got the marching steps figured out. But Ellen did say the church militant would have many trials…guess we can still march without the singing, so all is not loss. Maybe we can still do the sign language

  2. John Fariseigh

    I still sing that hymn and I’m still a Christian soldier. I am a church Elder. Tonight at the church board meeting, I will report that I saw the Deacon in the topless bar last night. He will certainly have some explaining to do!

  3. Mark OFfill

    I wish this was true. Explaining the meaning of this song to pre-Christians / secular mind is challenging. I know this is parody, but in this case I wish the removal of this song from our vernacular was true!

  4. Jack O. Lantern

    Which of these candidate sings “Onward Christian Soldiers” in the shower every morning? (Hint: it’s not Ben Car-sin.)
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Donald Dump
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Kris Kristy
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Jeb Butch
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Mark O. Ruby-o
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Ben Carsinogen
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Carly Flouride
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍John KaySnitch
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Bobby Gin-Doll
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Hilarious Clinton
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Burny Colonel Sanders
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Jim Kill-more
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Rick Stinktorum
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍George Plasticky
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Rand Pallbearer
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Mike Huckleberry
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Ted Cruise-control
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Donald Trumpet

  5. Mark OFfill

    Seriously though, if you read the words and compare it to the mindset of the jihad, the ‘battle” and “join us or die” historical allusions are very very similar.

    Not one I sing, especially when with pre-Christian / secular friends

  6. Richard Mills

    Now we gottta take out-How Great Thou Art; Jesus Above All Names; Our God Reigns; This is My Father’s World; Faith is the Victory; I Gave My Life for Thee; O Sacred Head Now Wounded; Dare to be a Daniel; Once to Every Man & Nation; Soldiers of Christ Arise; Stand Up For Jesus. The list could go on & on & on. Are we in a revisionist mode? I’m gonna continue to sing, sing, sing, sing. Gonna shout, shout, shout-Praise the Lord!! Woe is me. And I mean WOE IS ME!!!

  7. John Lennon as Converted

    Maybe it could be replaced by “Imagine” and my new words…

    Imagine there’s no ISIS
    It’s easy if you try
    No Muslims among us
    Around us no PC lies
    Imagine all Nations
    Living for God’s Praise

    Imagine there’s no Marxists
    It isn’t hard to do
    No equality BS
    And no dialectic too
    Imagine all God’s people
    Living as postmills

    You may say I’m a dreamer
    But I’m not the only one
    I hope someday you’ll join us
    And the World will be then won

    Imagine no Progressives
    I wonder if you can
    No envy or malice
    The fulfillment of God’s plan
    Imagine all God’s people
    Conquering all the world…

    You may say I’m a dreamer
    But I’m not the only one
    I hope someday you’ll join us
    And the world will be then won

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