Adventist Church rolls out ‘side-hug only’ policy

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SILVER SPRING, Md. — Leaders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church have passed legislation severely tigthening the parameters of what constitutes appropriate Adventist physical contact on Sabbath morning.

From now on, the only appropriate way to touch a fellow Adventist is a brief side-hug lasting no longer than two seconds.

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“Our church lobbies have been witness to a heinous amount of physical contact in the past,” said GC Director of Cultural Railroading Les Peediay at a press conference today. He said that although he wishes he could personally ban everything other than a firm handshake among Adventists, the side-hug only policy would be strictly enforced.

“Wherever you go in the Adventist world, you are assaulted by overly physical greetings on Sabbath morning, whether it be lingering hugs in the US or multiple kisses in Latin America,” said Peediay. “Don’t even get me started on Europe.”

When asked by reporters about whether the church would permit a New Testament-sanctioned holy kiss, Peediay said he had a meeting to get to.

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13 Comments

  1. SDA Joe

    Appropriate contact on Sabbath is full body contact with bed and your wifey by your side. You can watch 2, I mean 3ABN on the iPad and pray. Sure is less “work” and more “restful” than getting out of bed, bathing, dressing, starting the engine of your car (modern day donkey) driving (action verb) in streets full of sinners then walking into the church and then doing it all in reverse.

    • Ray Kraft

      Isn’t starting that car engine and driving “work,” like, what the 4th Commandment forbids? So it seems to me that almost all Adventists are breaking the 4th Commandment by going to church, except those who live nearby and can walk.

      Maybe the 144,000 are those who can go to church on Sabbath without driving a car?

  2. Scott Beazley

    An elder in my church used to cruise around the lobby giving holy kisses to the prettiest girls, but it didn’t go over too well because he had horrible bad breath / halitosis. The girls eventually learned to use the side entrance and avoid the lobby.

  3. richard mills

    What next? I love all that huggy, huggy stuff, especially from certain female members and or visitors. You old fogies don’t know what yer missin’. Maybe we should all go outside and hug a tree like we told the kids at junior camp. Watch out for the poison ivy!!
    The Church Board police are watchin’ you. Woe iz me!!

  4. Damaris Rivera

    Wow what is happening to our loving churches? Maybe we should cut out feet washing, and breaking bread all together. If we are following Jesus examples, we can see that Jesus was a very physical person when interacting we people. I feel we are becoming extreme with these rules, when we need to focus on the real problem which is allowing sin or worldly ideas into our churches. You may ask how, by having women ordinations, and transgender elders and sabbath school teachers or participating in gay marriages ex… Now think about that. God have mercy on us.

  5. Damaris Rivera

    Wow what is happening to our loving churches? Maybe we should cut out feet washing, and breaking bread all together. If we are following Jesus examples, we can see that Jesus was a very physical person when interacting with people. On the Sabbath was when Jesus traveled the most when interacting with people. I feel we are becoming extreme with these rules, when we need to focus on the real problem which is allowing sin or worldly ideas into our churches. You may ask how, by having women ordinations, and transgender elders and sabbath school teachers or participating in gay marriages ex… Now think about that. God have mercy on us.

  6. Damaris Rivera

    Why is this happening to our loving churches? Maybe we should cut out feet washing, and breaking bread all together. If we are following Jesus examples, we can see that Jesus was a very physical person when interacting with people. On the Sabbath was when Jesus traveled the most when interacting with people. I feel we are becoming extreme with these rules, when we need to focus on the real problem which is allowing sin or worldly ideas into our churches. You may ask how, by having women ordinations, and transgender elders and sabbath school teachers or participating in gay marriages ex… Now think about that. God have mercy on us.

  7. Wilfredo Perez

    I dont understand why the need for a rulin like this. People should mesure themeselves at all times, not only at chuch. I am feom DR and we kiss when we say hi to people we know. Is that banned also? What if somebody one knows wants a hug, then what? We are becoming more like the pharicies with all these rulings while our spirit is hungry, and unfed!

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