Adventist Churches to force visitors to disclose if they are single

New AND single??
New AND single??
SILVER SPRING, Mich. — Visitors to Seventh-day Adventist churches will be asked to stand at the start of services and disclose whether or not they are single starting this week.

Church leaders said that the new protocol would reduce confusion and awkward conversations in church lobbies as regulars try to determine whether or not new arrivals are fair game for Sabbath flirtation.

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“This helps everyone,” said General Conference Director of Yoking Efficiency, Beau Hitchens. “Nobody likes the guessing game.”

Hitchens added that while in other denominations marital status could easily be determined by a subtle scan of a visitor’s ring finger, “that isn’t exactly the standard litmus test in Adventism.”


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6 Comments

  1. Ray Kraft

    Maybe single visitors to any Adventist church should wear something distinctive, like maybe a yellow arm band.

    And if Adventists are getting that desperate to find eligible single Adventists, maybe they should be open to broadening their perspectives a little and look outward to backsliden Adventists and ex-Adventists or non-practicing Adventists or even non-Adventists who have most of their teeth and haven’t committed any major felonies or unforgivable sins.

    Gotta deal with it, more than 99% of the people on earth are not Seventh Day Adventists, just the facts, ma’m, just the facts.

  2. richard mills

    Isn’t this procedure a type of sexual harassment? I can tell if a woman is single. There are certain giva-aways. Ain’t gonna tell. It works for me!! Woe iz all of you desparate people.

  3. STU REDMAN

    I WANT A COPY OF THE LIST OF FEMALES AGES 25-30 PLEASE. NO TATS, NO PIERCING, ABLE TO EARN $100,000 YEARLY AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO COOK WELL. HOUSEKEEPING AND LAUNDRY ARE ALREADY COVERED BY MAID. I DO MY OWN DRIVING SO NO ISSUE THERE. MUST KNOW WHEN TO STAY SILENT AND BRING ME MY PAPER OR BOOK WITH ICED TEA.

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