GC makes “Wade in the Water” official Adventist theme song to end Sabbath swimming

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a controversial decision, Adventist leaders have chosen to retire frequent GC Session theme song and crowd favorite, “We Have This Hope,” and replace it with gospel spiritual, Read more […]

Adventist Churches to issue mandatory breath mints on Sabbath mornings

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to improve the Sabbath experience for members and visitors, Seventh-day Adventist church leaders have voted to mandate the distribution of breath mints on Sabbath Read more […]

Adventist crime hotline established to report Sabbath breakers

  SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Seventh-day Adventist Church has established a robustly-staffed hotline to which members can report each other of suspected Sabbath violations. Members Read more […]

Adventist caught vacuuming after Friday sunset

BERKSHIRE, England — Earlier today a sudden bolt of lightning tore a hole in the roof of a house belonging to a Seventh-day Adventist. The lightning strike occured minutes after sunset as Read more […]

Report: Adventist lay ministry activity on the rise

SILVER SPRING, Md.— A report into lay person engagement in the Adventist Church has noted a dramatic increase in activity over the last 12 months. Data from church members around the world Read more […]

Police: Worst Saturday morning traffic offenders are Seventh-day Adventist

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to US police data released today, Seventh-day Adventists are by far the worst traffic offenders on Sabbath mornings. Many Seventh-day Adventists are late to church Read more […]

Adventist Church lowers maximum permissible depth of Sabbath wading water

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an effort to more tightly articulate acceptable Sabbath keeping practices, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has released a new maximum depth of water Read more […]

Report: Adventists WAY more productive one hour before Friday sunset

BERRIEN SPINGS, Mich. — A major study into the lifestyles of Seventh-day Adventists has revealed that per hour productivity of most church members skyrockets in the hour directly preceding Friday Read more […]

Adventist manufacturer makes iron that won’t work on Sabbath

SILVER SPRING, Md. — AdventWorks, the new manufacturing arm of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, has launched a clothing iron that will not turn on during Sabbath hours. AdventWorks spokesperson Read more […]

Sabbath watches at average Adventist church contain “enough gold for calf statue”

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — New data from a survey of Adventist Sabbath-keeping habits has quantified the gold content of watches members wear to church every Sabbath. The Andrews University Read more […]