GC hires house inspectors to check pre-Sabbath cleanliness of Adventist homes

BUSTED
BUSTED
SILVER SPRING, Md. — An army of housekeeping inspectors has been hired by the General Conference. The new inspectors are tasked with manually checking Adventist homes for cleanliness on Friday afternoons.

Effective immediately, professional inspectors will check Adventist houses for evidence of a thorough cleaning no later than an hour before sunset.

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“We have received too many reports of our members sweeping dirt under rugs and just phoning it in with their pre-Sabbath cleaning duties,” said GC Director of Overkill Duwit Oaver.

“Members that are consistently behind on their cleaning or that simply refuse to open their doors to inspectors will have their names and faces posted in the lobby of their local churches,” said Oaver.

He added that the inspectors have been given full authority to also inspect and critique the “quality, creativity and vegetarianism of any and all food items prepared for Sabbath consumption.”


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7 Comments

    • Ted Willston

      BREAKING NEWS: After trying valiently to defend the Travel Ban, embattled White House spokesman Sean Spicer was fired by U.S. President Trump this evening. Spicer was then immediately hired as the new spokesman for G.C. President Ted Wilson, with a special assignment to defend the Ordination Ban. There was a prompt news release from SNL stating that Melissa McCarthy will continue to skewer Spicer as he sets out to spout “alternative facts” and illogical explanations in his new position.

  1. Who is that Inspector guy? Inspector Gadget? My sources at the GC tell me that the Brethern will launch “Sabbath Drones” into the sky and send them forth to all of the NAD much like the dove that went out from Noah’s ark. The drones will also record those members who are travelling home from work past the Sabbath hours. The drones will catch you sneaking into Starbucks, WalMart, Target, Piggly Wiggly, etc. The photo images return in real time so that punitive action is taken at the local level. Look for the drones at the 2020 GC meeting. What technology we have!!

  2. Anyonymus

    *Just another similar incident!

    SDA CHURCH HIT BY LIGHTING DURING THE COMMUNION SERVICE

    The Light of Christ SDA church in Kellogg, CA (Napa Valley) was hit by lighting during the Communion Service last Sabbath. Interestingly enough, there was no storm around and the blue, clean sky shone the beautiful sunlight through the church’s windows. The event rose some questions because the lighting hit directly the ornamental bottle containing the wine for communion merely seconds before to be served to the congregation. The new elected head deacon, Boozeman Ouzo, was very close to the scene and fell to the ground. However, nobody was hurt. This peculiar occurrence rose question about the possible reasons for this incident. A forensic team from GC was asked to investigate, and soon the findings were brought to the church’s board attention. Apparently, the only possible cause of this incident was a concentration of 0,00000001% alcohol in the communion wine. Boozman, who was in charge to purchase the wine, confessed that instead of buying it from the SDA producer which ensures that the grape juice is boiled at 230 degrees for 77 hours, bought a regular grape juice from a winery closer to his home. He learned the lesson, and promised that will always put first the purity requirements for communion service.

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