SILVER SPRING, Md. --- A statement from the General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church confirmed that it had tested a ballistic missile this afternoon "capable of reaching anywhere in the Pacific Union Conference."
The statement said that the powerful ComplianceDoc missile was fired off the roof of the GC building this afternoon, fitted with a warhead "jam-packed with remnants from East Coast Adventist potlucks that nobody wanted."
The missile flew across the United States before detonating just off the coast of California.
Members of the Coast Guard who witnessed the missile exploding in the Pacific said that the area smelled like burning lentil roast.
The GC statement warned Pacific Union leaders to get back in compliance before their headquarters building was targeted by a missile carrying a devastating load of working policy manuals.
Many thanks to Lindsey Painter for the idea for this post