BREAKING NEWS
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — In a surprise announcement this morning, Southern Adventist University named Adventist former neurosurgeon and GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson, president-elect of the institution.
“We are happy to announce the end of a long and arduous search process for a successor to our beloved Dr. Gordon Bietz,” said Southern spokesperson, Masymas Reglas. “With his extremely distinguished medical and academic credentials, we are confident that our future is safe in Dr. Carson’s gifted hands.”
The neurosurgeon has yet to formally suspend his US presidential campaign but said that he had signalled his “openness to the Southern job” as his campaign faltered significantly after a brief stint atop the Republican polls.
Carson admitted that his new Southern job was “cold consolation” when compared to the prospect of leading the free world but that he would be taking over from outgoing university president, Gordon Bietz in May 2016 “barring some kind of miracle.”
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