SILVER SPRING, Md. — Ted Wilson, president of the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, toasted 2016 with a glass of Mattinelli’s apple cider at an office New Year’s Eve party last night. As he held up his glass he remarked that the beverage was of special importance to Adventists since it was “the product or Jesus’ first miracle.”
Wilson’s statement resulted in raised eyebrows among even his most loyal GC execs. “I could have sworn Jesus turned water into grape juice,” said Thomas Doughter of the GC Temperance Department. “The closest Martinelli’s match would be Sparkling Red Grape and nowhere in the Bible does it state that Jesus also came up with carbonation.”
Brushing his skepticism aside, Doughter remarked to others at his table that he was relieved that “at least we now have some closure on the whole wine thing.” He quietly resolved to share the new revelation with the next snarky non-Adventist that challenged his teetotaling ways.
Less than an hour after Wilson’s statement, brand owner S. Martinelli & Company released a press release expressing “heartfelt thanks for the incredible product endorsement by the leader of our most faithful customer base.”
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