SILVER SPRING, Md. — A leak from high-level personnel discussions at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists indicates that the denomination is on the verge of terminating the employment of a third of its ministers.
The reason for the forced exodus was described as “eye-crossingly bad services that our congregations are forced to battle every Sabbath under the dulling leadership of ministers that bring new meaning to the term ‘monotone.'”
“Boring Adventist pastors are not a new thing,” admitted a source close to the GC discussions who asked only to be identified as “Muriendo.” “Monotonous pastors are a time-honored tradition of the Adventist Church.”
He said that the sheer scale of what sleepy insiders have termed “the boredom epidemic” was what was taking church leaders by surprise.
Muriendo said that church leaders have declared a state of emergency as complaints have poured in from around the globe. He added that getting rid of a third of Adventist ministers was just dealing with “low hanging fruit” and that real change would require a lot more work. “This is a crisis and we can barely stay awake to stay on top of it.”
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