Those wishing to be baptized anytime after next Sabbath had better commit to a serious training regimen because the requirements of baptismal candidates are about to get exponentially harder.
“Anyone wishing to be baptized will be required to participate in an officially-timed marathon and complete it under 3 hours without the use of stimulants or electric scooters of any kind,” said a official General Conference statement announcing the new stipulation. “It goes without saying that the marathon cannot be run on Sabbath either.”
“I don’t get it,” complained evangelist Duncan Donat upon hearing the news, “one minute they are breathing down our necks about boosting baptismal tallies and the next they are acting like Chariots of Fire is getting a sequel.”
At press time Donat was calling up GC legal to see if less athletic converts could gain membership through profession of faith.
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