LOMA LINDA, Calif. – In a move that has rocked the world of Adventist higher education, Loma Linda University and Weimar Institute have announced plans to merge into one mega-institution dedicated entirely to the study of herbal colon cleansing.
The new school, dubbed “Loma Linda Weimar University of Health and Herbal Colon Cleanse” (LLWUHCC), will combine the medical expertise of Loma Linda with Weimar’s focus on natural plant-based remedies.
“This merger allows us to zero in on what really matters – using foraged roots, berries and fibers to create the most potent, gut-sluicing formulas known to man,” said incoming president Dr. Herbal Hiemlich. “No more distractions from frivolous subjects like surgery or oncology.”
The new university will offer a range of colon-centric degree programs:
– Bachelor of Holistic Colon Hydration
– Master of Fecal Relocation Studies
– Doctorate of Purgative Sciences
– And for the truly elite scholars, a Ph.D in Duodenal Decongestion
The campus will feature state-of-the-art facilities like the Deborah Harris Colonic Irrigation Garden, the Karyn Purr-ington Center for Fart Cupping, and a massive enema bag-shaped student center.
“Our core philosophy is that many diseases start with a backed-up intestine,” said Dean of Colon Cleansing Anita Enema. “So we plan to have every student go through a rigorous monthly colonic regimen to flush out blockages and toxins.”
Some critics argue the new university’s intense focus is misguided. But Hiemlich dismissed those concerns: “Look, the Sermon on the Mount should have included ‘blessed are the pure of bowel,’ A clean colon is the path to a far smoother ride in life!”
The Loma Linda Weimar University of Health and Herbal Colon Cleanse is slated to start offering courses in Fall 2024, with the first graduating class of “Poo Peddlers” entering the job market by 2028.
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