In a move that has left many Adventists checking their calendars to ensure they haven’t accidentally time-traveled, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced the creation of a new department: The Ministry of 19th Century Nostalgia.
“We’ve realized that our church’s identity is so deeply rooted in the 1800s that we might as well make it official,” said Elder Throwback, the newly appointed director of the department. “This ministry will ensure that we continue to view all of our current challenges through the lens of what happened before indoor plumbing was invented.”
The department’s first initiative will be to replace all smartphones in Adventist institutions with telegraph machines. “We believe this will significantly reduce the temptation to fact-check our assertions in real-time,” Elder Throwback explained.
Other planned projects include:
• Mandatory horse and buggy transportation for all pastors
• Replacing all church potlucks with authentic 19th-century gruel
• A church-wide ban on any book written after 1915
• Reintroducing phrenology as a required course in Adventist schools
When asked about how this new department will address contemporary issues facing the church, Elder Throwback seemed confused.
“Contemporary issues? I’m not familiar with that term. But I can tell you all about the 1888 General Conference session if you’d like.”
The Ministry has also announced plans to construct a life-size diorama of Battle Creek, Michigan, circa 1863, where Adventists can go to escape the complexities of modern life. “It’s like a theme park, but instead of fun, you get doctrinal purity,” said one excited supporter.
Critics have pointed out that this new department seems to contradict the church’s emphasis on present truth and progressive revelation. In response, Elder Throwback simply adjusted his top hat and rode away on a penny-farthing bicycle, shouting, “The Great Controversy explains everything!”
At press time, sources confirmed that the department was already hard at work on its most ambitious project yet: a time machine to bring Ellen White to the present day. “We’re confident she’ll have no issues with how we’ve interpreted her writings over the last century,” said a spokesperson, while nervously tugging at his collar.
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