1. Memorize All 13 Sabbath School Memory Verses Each Quarter – Commit to learning every single Adult Sabbath School quarterly memory verse so you can recite them from the pulpit with the confidence of an ordained minister.
2. Master the Art of Nominating Committee Evasion – Perfect your “I’m suddenly very busy” face and strategically schedule vacations during key committee meetings.
3. Finally Find “The One” – Attend every single young adult Sabbath School class, potluck, and vespers program until you’ve secured a spouse or at least a promising courtship.
4. Finally Achieve Weimar-Style Vegan Status – Embrace the ultimate plant-based lifestyle that would make even the most zealous health reformers nod in approval.
5. Infiltrate a “Worldly” Gym – Join a non-Adventist gym to evangelize through your impeccable modesty and refusal to work out on Saturdays.
6. Decode the Ellen White Visions – Spend hours poring over her writings to definitively prove that cell phones/the internet/your least favorite politician were prophesied about.
7. Launch a Vegan Ministry – Start an outreach program centered entirely around convincing people that Tofurky is delicious.
8. Actually Pay Attention to Sermons Past the First 5 Minutes – Train yourself to stay awake and engaged for the entire sermon, even when the pastor starts their third point.
9. Achieve Potluck Dominance – Create a signature dish so irresistible that it becomes the talk of every church social event.
10. Go on a Mission Trip to a Place with an Amazing Beach – And actually finish the church construction project before spending time snorkeling.
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