In a bold move to boost church growth, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced a controversial new initiative aimed at doubling the denomination’s global membership. The plan, dubbed “Operation Fruitful Vine,” calls for all Adventist couples to have twice as many children as they had previously planned.
Elder Ted N. C. Wilson, President of the General Conference, unveiled the strategy during a hastily convened press conference at the world church headquarters in Silver Spring, Maryland. “We’ve tried evangelism, we’ve tried small groups, we’ve even tried serving better haystacks at potlucks,” Wilson stated, his voice filled with determination. “But now, we’re going back to basics – be fruitful and multiply!”
The initiative includes several key components designed to encourage and support increased family sizes among Adventist households. The introduction of “Fertility Fasts” will replace the traditional Daniel Fast with a regimen specifically designed to boost conception rates. Additionally, a new dating app called “AdventistTingle” will be launched with the tagline “Find Your Helpmeet and Start Multiplying!”
Elder Wilson emphasized that this approach aligns perfectly with the church’s mission. “What better way to spread the Three Angels’ Messages than by literally creating new believers?” he asked rhetorically, beaming at the assembled reporters.
However, the announcement has not been without its critics. Dr. Ella Wiseman, a prominent Adventist sociologist, expressed concerns about the plan’s feasibility. “While I appreciate the GC’s enthusiasm, I’m not sure they’ve fully considered the logistical implications,” she said. “For instance, have they calculated how many additional changing tables we’ll need to install in church bathrooms worldwide?”
Meanwhile, the Adventist Development and Relief Agency (ADRA) has reportedly begun stockpiling diapers and baby formula, anticipating a surge in demand over the next few years.
Only time will tell if this unorthodox approach to church growth will bear fruit. In the meantime, Adventist couples around the world are being encouraged to get busy doing their part in this new form of evangelism.
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