SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST. A longtime member arrived 45 minutes before Sabbath School this week and successfully claimed an entire pew using one hymnal, two jackets, a bulletin folded into a small tent and a Bible left open “to look occupied.”
“My family is coming,” he told a visiting couple who paused hopefully at the end of the row. At press time, the family consisted of his wife, who was still in the kitchen, and a nephew who last attended in 2019.
The visitors were directed to the front row, where they sat in what witnesses described as “a spotlight of welcome.”
Deacons say pew-saving technology has advanced rapidly in recent years. One member reportedly drapes a raincoat with both arms spread wide. Another lays a single umbrella diagonally, which longtime observers agree secures four seats and a casserole dish.
Asked whether Jesus would have saved the pew, the member said he was confident the Lord would understand, since “He also had a group of twelve who liked to sit together.”
The greeting team has proposed a compromise in which saved seats expire at the opening hymn. The motion was referred to a subcommittee, which met in the saved pew and ran out of room.
Church growth experts were unavailable for comment, as they were also saving seats.
At press time, the visiting couple had been invited home for Sabbath lunch by a 91-year-old member who said she had never saved a seat in her life, “because somebody new might need it.” Sources confirm she made two kinds of gluten steak and sent them home with leftovers.
The jackets remained in position through the closing song.
Photo: “Close up a pew in St John the Baptist Church of England church in Tideswell” by Michael Rowe, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons. Cropped, darkened behind the title, text added. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Close_up_a_pew_in_St_John_the_Baptist_Church_of_England_church_in_Tideswell.jpg
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