Feeling overwhelmed by your earthly possessions? Fear not, fellow Adventist hoarder! Here’s your BarelyAdventist guide to decluttering your home faster than you can say “Dorcas”:
The Pathfinder Uniform Purge
Time to face facts: Your Pathfinder uniform from 1995 isn’t going to fit anymore. Donate it to the church’s costume closet for the next Christmas pageant. Nothing says “wise man” like a khaki shirt with 47 honor patches.
Carob Chip Challenge
Toss out those stale carob chips from 1987. We know you’ve been saving them for a special occasion, but let’s face it, even Ellen White would pass on those petrified morsels by now.
Sabbath Outfit Streamline
If you haven’t worn that floral print dress or mustard yellow tie to church in the last decade, it’s time to let it go. The deacons will thank you for not blinding them during offering collection.
Haystacks Hardware Audit
Count your casserole dishes. If the number exceeds your church’s membership, it’s time to downsize. Remember, Jesus fed 5000 with just five loaves and two fish, not 500 pyrex dishes.
Vegetarian Meat Mountain
Pare down your stockpile of canned vegetarian meats. If your Worthington Foods collection can survive the Time of Trouble, it’s definitely time to thin the herd.
Ellen White Bookshelf Bonanza
If your Ellen White collection is causing structural damage to your home, it might be time to invest in a Kindle. Your floors (and your lower back) will thank you.
Hymnal Harmony
Keep one hymnal per family member, plus one for any brave non-Adventist visitors. The rest can go back to church – they’ve been missing since 1985 and the old timers still swear by them.
