SILVER SPRING, MD — In a move that has stunned and delighted the global Adventist community, General Conference President Ted Wilson has announced plans to cancel the traditional Parade of Nations at the next General Conference Session. Instead, Wilson himself will single-handedly represent the world church by donning the traditional attire of every country he’s visited, parading solo across the stage in a sartorial spectacle never before seen in denominational history.
A Closet Fit for a President
Wilson, known for his globe-trotting and his penchant for slipping into local dress as a gesture of respect (or, as some critics claim, a touch of Adventist orientalism), has reportedly amassed a wardrobe so vast it required a special extension to his family home near Washington, D.C. The General Conference treasury, ever keen on preserving denominational history, funded the project, complete with climate and pest control systems designed to keep the garments “fresh for the Second Coming.”
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“When I realized how much closet space my international ministry required, it only made sense to build an Adventist Smithsonian of sorts,” Wilson said. “Now, I can finally show the world that unity in diversity is best modeled by one man, in many outfits.”
A Legacy for the Ages
Plans are already underway to convert the wardrobe wing into a tourist shrine after Wilson’s passing, with proceeds earmarked for a foundation opposing women’s ordination. “We hope it will become a pilgrimage site, much like Ellen G. White’s grave, but with better air conditioning,” a treasury spokesperson commented.
Family Support
Wilson’s wife, Nancy, is reportedly supportive. “Honestly, I don’t mind that Ted sometimes looks prettier than I do in those dresses. At least he’s not bringing home more hats,” she quipped.
The new parade promises to be the most memorable yet—just don’t expect anyone else to get a turn on the runway.
