Why So Many Adventists Think They’re Being Loving—and Aren’t

Most Adventists genuinely believe they’re being loving. That’s what makes this so tricky. Few wake up thinking, “I hope I make someone feel small today.” And yet, many people leave our churches feeling judged, whispered about, or quietly pushed to the margins.

The disconnect usually isn’t intent—it’s how love is expressed.

Gossip we call concern: “We should pray for them” often sounds a lot like surveillance. Care that isn’t brave enough to be direct—and kind enough to be private—feels like judgment, not love.

Looking down while calling it love: Tone, sighs, assumptions—acceptance from above isn’t acceptance. Being “known” from a pedestal isn’t being known at all.

Harshness disguised as faithfulness: Some think being blunt or strict will “set people straight.” Shame rarely produces growth. It drives people away, not closer.

Love that feels like management: When belonging feels conditional, when questions come with agendas, people feel like projects, not humans.

Real love is quieter—and braver—than we often assume. It listens more than it lectures. It protects dignity. It resists controlling or fixing. It risks being misunderstood by church people in order to be understood by actual people.

We aren’t perfect, and we have work to do. But if we take honest stock of how we treat each other, the Adventist Church can become a place where respect, care, and genuine welcome aren’t optional—they’re expected.

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