Adventists Who Insisted They Weren’t Dating Suddenly Married

SILVER SPRING, Md. – In a move that shocked absolutely no one in the Sligo Seventh-day Adventist Church, longtime church members Jasmine Landers and Derek Reynolds announced their marriage this week after vehemently denying they were dating for the last three years.

“We’re just good friends,” said Landers in a terse statement last summer when directly asked by multiple church grandmothers if she and Reynolds were an item. Reynolds corroborated this claim emphatically. “Dating? Us? No way. We’re like brother and sister.”

However, eyewitness reports suggest Landers and Reynolds engaged in classic courtship behavior such as lingering after church services to spend time together, making extended eye contact, and even – some claim – holding hands on multiple occasions under the cover of darkness in the church parking lot.

“We had a veggie betting pool going for when they’d finally admit they were an item,” said church greeter Miriam Paulson. “I was off by at least a year and a half when they went ahead and got married instead of dating first like normal people.”

While some church members are happy for the new couple, others have expressed dismay that the years of suspicion about Landers and Reynolds’ relationship status have come to an anti-climactic conclusion.

“I confronted Derek about it directly last fall,” said family friend Caleb Watson. “He looked me right in the eye and said ‘Jasmine and I are not interested in each other like that.’ Well, the wedding photos on Instagram say otherwise.”


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