SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference leadership of the church has warned members not to plan on booking an Uber to escape to the wilderness in the Time of Trouble.
“Not only will there be ridiculous Time of Trouble surge pricing in effect during this perilous time in earth’s history, but if you’ve read your Bible, you aren’t going to be able to buy or sell so Ubers simply won’t work,” said the statement from the Department of End Time Doomscrolling.
The statement added that “the solution isn’t simply to switch to Lyft or offer cash… there just isn’t a ride share solution to fleeing to the wilderness.”
“We will, however, have ADRA trucks departing every 15 minutes from the GC front entrance,” said the statement, “so try to make sure you are in Silver Spring when things go south so you can hitch a ride.”