99% of those who know Adventists are “grateful they don’t dance”

just don’t…
LOMA LINDA, Calif. — A Loma Linda University survey of 10,000 respondents who have Adventist friends has yielded insights into the perception of Adventists in their social circles. Although the survey covered a wide range of Adventist behavior, the biggest consensus came from what lead researcher Para Porfa called “an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the fact that Adventists don’t dance.”

Many respondents detailed the reasons for their gratititude as stemming from the “absolute horror” they experienced while witnessing something as innocent as their Adventist friends attempting a victory dance to celebrate good news, said Porfa. “Respondents scarred from such an experience expressed a strong desire never, ever to see Adventists attempt a jig again.”

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He shared that respondents wrote long comments about not being able to erase from their minds the astounding lack of physical coordination exhibited by their Adventist friends. Porfa said that many respondents claimed the Adventists in their lives “could not even tap their toes on beat to a gospel tune.”

Porfa added that in light of demonstrated and dire lack of Adventist ability, most respondents were heavily in favor of strict no-dancing policies being kept in place at Adventist academies and colleges to avoid even the “appearance of dancing.”


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  1. Dan Cee

    I think some sda intuitively know how to dance, such as the children, they have to get it shamed out of them. One time at a Sabbath afternoon program, 2 little girls got up holding hands and danced in circles. The damper go put on them, pronto

      • Marco "Robotic" Rubio

        Well, O’Bomber knows exactly what he’s doing. Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack O’Bomber doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I’ll say it again: we have to stop believing that O’Bomber doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s trying to destroy America.

          • Hilarious Clinton

            Quiet, big guy. SNL’s Bobby Moynihan does a better Chris Christie impression than you yourself, and he’s a heck of a lot funnier than you. Come to think of it, Larry David’s impression is a lot funner than Burny Sanders, too. In fact, I’m not sure which one is Burny and which one is David!

  2. Ray Kraft

    Well, this is too true to be satire. So sad.

    There’s a most wondrous movie out, got it from Redbox last week, “DESERT DANCER,” the true story of a young boy who saw a film of the great Rudolph Nuryev dancing, and from that moment he wanted to dance, like Nuryev, except that he lived in Iran where dancing was a very grave sin that could get you beaten and killed.

    21 thumbs up. Every Adventist should see it. Everybody else should see it too. It’s a true story, so it’s okay. And you can rent it and watch it at home, don’t have to go to a theater, so it’s okay. Well, okay, it’s a movie, so maybe it’s not okay.

    • Teddy Wilson

      Ray, did you say you watched a movie? I’m ordering the SBI to investigate this matter. In case you didn’t know, the SBI is my FBI-style Scriptural Bureau of Investigation. So, Ray, would you like to recant?

  3. Teddy Wilson

    WARNING: Henceforth, any Adventist caught dancing, or even THINKING about dancing, shall be whipped with a wet noodle, beaten with a feather, and deported to Miami. (And if Donald Tramp is elected, you shall also be extradited to his jurisdiction for waterboarding and worse!)

  4. Richard Mills

    Dance-Schmance. It all depends on how you define dance. If I jump up & down to my country music, is it a dance? If I move my feet to my Irish heritage jigs & reels is it a dance? What about those colorful, costumed delegates who march, parade, dance out on the GC stage every 5 years? What izzit? Maybe I need to imitate David and go naked?
    Somebody help me out. I’m ready to pull out what hair is left on my head.
    Dosey Doe-go to the left-swing yor partner round & round. Woe iz me!!

    • Donald Dump

      Shh … quiet, “tough guy.” We all know your name is actually “Jebra.” The reason you can’t dance is ’cause you’re so “low energy.” Even a snail has more energy than you. But don’t worry; if you’re really lucky you might get to be my VP. It’s OK if a VP is low-energy, ’cause VP’s don’t really do anything (except make gaffes to embarrass the prez, like poor Joe Biten’ and Dan Quayle. As VP, Quayle made official visits to 47 countries and made a fool of himself in at least 46.).

  5. ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍~ ‍BREAKING NEWS ~
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Southern Adventist University Announces 26th President

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Collegedale, Tenn.– Today Southern Adventist University’s Board of Trustees unanimously voted to formally invite Dr. Benjamin S. Carson to serve as the school’s 26th president. After much prayer, Carson has accepted the position.

    “I am honored to follow Gordon Bietz who has provided Southern with 19 years of distinguished leadership,” Carson said. “I look forward to partnering with God and all who are associated with Southern to see how He will make a special school even more special.”

    Carson, a retired neurosurgeon, is no stranger to the campus, having donated his services to perform lobotomies on students and staff during a 17 year period in the ’80s and ’90s. Though an exact start date has yet to be determined, Dr. Carson looks forward to working alongside President Bietz in the months leading up to his retirement.

    Accordingly, Dr. Carson has announced that he is suspending his campaign for nomination as the Republican presidential candidate. “Serving as President of Southern is a far greater honor than running for President of the United States, and I really like the Collegedale area a lot better than Washington, D.C.,” said Dr. Carson in a news release.

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