Adventist churches fitted with jewelry detectors

Guess who's making a necklace donation?
Guess who’s making a necklace donation?
ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist Churches have been fitted with jewelry detectors to ensure that no vain adornment makes it into church lobbies on Sabbath morning.

While church leaders acknowledge that mandating jewelry checks will delay services, this inconvenience as well as the time and expense of installing detectors have been deemed necessary measures against adornment creep.

The jewelry detectors have been especially calibrated to prevent anyone entering with so much as a friendship bracelet.

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“You can never be too careful when it comes to clamping down on something as dangerous as jewelry,” said GC Director of Strategic Prioritization, Krei Kray at a press briefing.

“Nothing speaks to the pride of the human heart and the extreme wastefulness of some of our members as a pair of plastic $5 earrings.”

Refusing to take any questions about the many mentions of sanctioned jewelry in the Bible, Kray redirected reporters’ attention to the jewelry detectors.

He pointed out that while all rings, bracelets, necklaces and earrings would be detected, watches and broaches of any kind would not set off any alarms.

“You can still wear your Rolex during the Ordinance of Humility,” said Kray.


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11 Comments

  1. BuckyKat

    (quote) “You can never be too careful when it comes to clamping down on something as dangerous as jewelry,” said GC Director of Strategic Prioritization, [quote]Krei Kray at a press briefing.

    “Nothing speaks to the pride of the human heart and the extreme wastefulness of some of our members as a pair of plastic $5 earrings.” [unquote]

    This is what the young people have been saying about jewelry since I was in high school (eons ago). Love the “Krei Krey” BTW. My mom admitted to wearing gloves to the OB office when she was pregnant so people wouldn’t assume she was a “loose woman” who didn’t wear a wedding ring. The double standards regarding jewelry vs. other displays of wealth such as luxury cars, designer clothing, etc. never cease to amaze. Awesome satire!

  2. Richard mills

    Will it detect my teeth fillings, my knee implants, my coins in the tithe envelope, the metal plate in my head, my iron pills I just swallowed, the zipper on my pants? Let’s get back to the former dress reform of days gone by. This Sabbath I will wear my Nehru shirt & bell bottom trousers & Converse sneakers. Chill out, Dudes!

    • Ted W.

      “There are many whose religion consists in criticizing habits of dress…. They want to bring every one to their own measure. They desire to lengthen out those who seem too short for their standard…. They have lost the love of God out of their hearts; but they think they have a spirit of discernment. They think it is their prerogative to criticize, and pronounce judgment; but they should repent of their error, and turn away from their sins…. Let us love one another…. Let us remember how forbearing and patient He was…. We [w]ould be in a wretched state if the God of heaven were like one of us, and treated us as we are inclined to treat one another.” (E.G. White, Review & Herald, August 27, 1889)

    • BAPTIST JOE

      The Adventist church founders did not discourage jewelry because it was biblical they just wanted to establish the church with that type of characteristic. Like when the club opens up and they have dress codes and jerseys and uniforms the SDA church did the same thing

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