ADVENTIST WORLD --- Adventist colleges around the world have issued an apology to students and alumni for being located "so far from anything remotely cool."
The apology comes after a survey of revealed that the average Adventist institution was lucky to be located in a town with more than one traffic light.
"With few exceptions, the most exciting thing to do close to an Adventist college is watching grass grow," said the statement.
Although the schools defended the decisions of founders to find locations far from corrupting urban influences, administrators admitted that most of the founder had gone "far too far."
"You know there's a problem when the drive to most Adventist schools involves some combination of tumble weed, slowing for herds of deer and an emergency pit stop for snow chains," concluded the statement.