Adventist congregations across America are working flat out recruiting their best volunteers to erect huge monuments to paganism before the biggest deadline on the Christian calendar.
Although over-achieving churches started reporting enormous, brightly decorated Christmas trees dominating their stages as early as the Sabbath after Thanksgiving, many are woefully behind schedule according to twice-daily reports from a concerned church administration.
"We aren't sure what possesses so many our churches to procrastinate on their Christmas tree assembly duties," said Teensel Green, spokesperson for the General Conference office of Creative Expenditure. Green said that he had no sympathy for panicked associate pastors that have been calling his office with pleas for resources to assist with last-minute tree assembly.
He added that it wasn't as if Adventists haven't had time for other volunteer activities. "While Christmas trees across the country sit abandoned in dusty Adventist church basements, our members are swarming around lavish potluck tables and clocking up ridiculous hours practicing for Christmas cantatas. No wonder they're late."
Green lamented what he called "the sad fact that even the ancient pre-Christian barbarians of old were more punctual about erecting their pagan winter solstice trees than the average Adventist congregation."
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