Bear Grylls volunteers as World Pathfinder Director

Camporee just got way more extreme...
Camporee just got way more extreme…
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists announced this morning that British adventurer and wilderness survival TV star Bear Grylls has accepted a volunteer position as World Pathfinder Director.

Although not an Adventist himself, Grylls is a Christian with a long track record of supporting non profit organizations that are connected to outdoor pursuits. Grylls already holds the top Scouting Association job of Chief Scout and decided to volunteer to lead Pathfinders globally when he learned about the many similarities between the two organizations.

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Grylls accepted the position of World Pathfinder Director after it was made clear that he would be assisted by seasoned Adventists who are well-versed in campfire choruses, haystack preparation and popcorn prayers.

GC Pathfinders Department spokesperson Orrin Teering said that Grylls will teach Pathfinders around the world indispensable outdoor survival skills that are not currently covered by the honor patch system. Teering said that Grylls has been given complete freedom to teach Adventist Pathfinders “any survival skill as long as it does not mean eating fish or meat.”

Teering stressed that GC leaders were absolutely confident that a man of Grylls’ abilities could “teach our young people to find berries, bark and other delicious meat substitutes in the wild.”

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  1. Jack Frost

    I’m sure Bear G. will do a great job, but I was hoping Ben Carson would be invited to do it. I’ll miss Gentle Ben at the next debate. He and John KaySick were the only adults on the stage. Guess who won the Republiclown debate? Hellery and the Democraps. Some establishment GOPs doubt if Tramp really is a Republiclown. No need to doubt; Mr. Tramp definitely is a real RepubliKlan. As SNL pointed out, he will make Amerik‍kka great again.

  2. Ray Kraft

    Well it looks like Donald Tramp is gonna be the Time of Trouble so 18 million Adventists better get used to eating a lotta bark and berries. I was out in the woods the other day, saw a lotta bark, not many berries, and not a single wild Vegechik.

    • Chris Columbus

      Ray, please don’t vote for the Tramp/Putin ticket (or shall I say, the Tramp/Hitler ticket). Even Ted Cruise-control is better than them. Mark O. Ruby-oh is OK. Burny Sanders is a little bit too far out there. And Hellery is Hillarious (or, actually, her husband is hilarious: “I did not inhale;” “I did not have relations with ‘that woman’;” and “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.”).

      As Arnold Schwarzenegger said, the best candidate is John KaySick – but for some reason he’s not garnering a lot of attention. My advice, now that Jebra Bush, Kris Kristy, Carly Figurine, and Ben Carcinogen are out of the race: just pick a name out of a hat — but don’t dare put Tramp’s name into the hat, for Fri-Chik’s sake!

  3. Richard Mills

    What survival skills are needed for Pathfinders at the Oskosh Camporee? When I went there,, they seem to be hale & hearty despite the long lines to the outhouses & shower trailers? The most exercise any of them Pathfinders was walking back & forth, back & forth, back & forth. Except those who had a connection with a golf cart driver. That group seemed to be in a majority!!But us old folks, we had to trek it all day, every day. Come on Pathfinders, buckle up. Stop being wussies. You afraid of a little rain? A little mud? Some worn out flip flops? Our SDA campers are pampers.

  4. Richard Mills

    I recently received the Fuddy Duddy honor pin. All you gotta do is show up at 10 meetings a year, plus one drill and an overnight sleepover at the church-sleep inside of course..Maybe that nice big couch in the children’s room will suffice!! Woe iz me!!

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