Entire church wondering when clueless dad will carry out screaming baby

"How long?"
“How long?”
PARADISE, Calif. — What started as isolated and almost forgivable sobs has quickly escalated to a stream of high-pitched wailing. Everybody at Paradise Adventist Church is wondering when exactly Toahdal W. Ihmp will have the guts to carry out his baby.

Ihmp, however, is still firmly rooted in his pew half-way down the aisle and is doing little more than offering the occasional half-hearted “shhh.”

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His baby is taking no notice whatsoever.

“I don’t know what he was thinking, sitting that far down the aisle with a baby when his wife is clearly still putting away Cradle Roll felts,” whispered an incredulous Ima Skreame. “How did he not see a painful exit coming?”

Skreame also confided that the money spent renovating the mothers’ room in the back of the sanctuary had clearly been wasted when parents just let their kids worship along with everyone else.

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  1. This correspondent comments from a preachers perception of ……a wailing the baby in church services. Parents with same who sit stolidly, taking no evasive action, I have often observed from the pulpit. Also observed is a related situation wherein a baby/toddler turns in a pew to stare at the folk behind. Predictably some baby-fan begins amusing the toddler: pulling a funny face, waving a trinket and uttering segments of baby talk. No evasive action from the baby’s parent! So worship the baby continues. Only once did I interject as I noticed numerous annoyed faces. From the pulpit I spoke to the no-action mother something like this: “Sister Dumbrowski against your baby’s noises I cannot compete!” The offending other put on a polite smile. Moreover she did not hold my declaration against me.

      • Son of a.... Preacher.

        The fact that most of us walk out of church every Sabbath, is proof the building is not a “holy place”. If it were a “holy place”. Most of us would not walk out alive. Read up on God’s rules for his holy temple.

  2. richard mills

    Yo, Daddy-O=If you are in my church and your kid is screaming at the top of his/her lungs, a bunch of us Deacons know what to do. You can’t do a thing about it, either. Go sit in the foyer, the social hall, the bathroom, an empty SS room, even out in your car. Give us a break, will ya? I listen to my kids & wife screaming & yelling at me all week. Sabbath is for peace & quiet, you get the picture, Ihmp? If nothing else works, get the kid an ipod or some electronic gadget. Woe iz me!!

    • I doubt the “Paradise church” was much of a paradise this time. Seems like the church lady, “Ima Skreame,” was about to scream; and the father, “Toahdal W. Ihmp,” was a total wimp. Oh, wait; I just realized what the problem may be. Perhaps the infant wants to preach. Hand the babe a microphone and let the little preacher have a chance at the pulpit. Women’s ordination has been stifled; so how about baby’s ordination?

  3. SuperSupportParenting

    Support the poor dad. Remember that this child is the BEST kid he has :)

    Baby screams are proof that the church isn’t dead YET. We do remember that the median age of our churches is 54 yrs old, right? Unless we have more babies screaming all we’ll have is a lot of funerals…..and EMPTY pews.

    Support = creatively help kid without embarrassing the parent!

  4. tammy Sahk

    Take the hint and start shaking those tambourines and beat those drums. That’s what I do to grandchildren who are acting like idgets in the car, turn the music UP

  5. Ray Kraft

    God created everything, all creatures great and small, we all know that, so of course it is self-evident that God created screaming babies, and if God created screaming babies he musta wanted a lotta screaming babies, ‘cuz he created so many of them.

    So whom am I to tell anyone to get God’s little screaming baby creature out of my church?

    Unless . . . unless . . . the Devil created screaming babies, his hordes of little ihmps, but I don’t know if we wanna go there.

  6. Donald Tramp

    Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I will invite this baby to stir things up at my next political rally. Who needs protesters, when this little guy can scream the heck out of us? Way to go, little imp. You’re a raucous Trumpster in the making–a baby after my own heart.

    • Ben Car-sin

      I support you, Donald Dump, because other candidates are better but you are the only one that offered me the VP slot on your ticket. The others only offered me U.S. Surgeon General. Of course, there was no quid pro quo, because I don’t speak Latin. The conversation was all in English. The good news is, we’ll have to put up with only 4 years of your terrible presidency, so I don’t have a guilty conscience about supporting you even though I think you have a terrible Twitter problem. And even though you lie (and have lied about me), that’s just politics as usual. Show me a politician who doesn’t lie!

  7. Mark Train

    Once I was preaching and a baby was raising Cain like this little bugger. I stopped preaching for a moment and said: “Take the baby out, or I’ll sing.” The mother instantly got up and ran out, so fast that she forget the baby, who remained in the pew alone. But even the baby seemed to understand my threat, because he suddenly got quiet. The mother came back a got him at the end of the service, still looking terrified.

  8. Burny Sanders

    Babies have no business being in church until they’re old enough to act like adults. Come to think of it, this one actually was acting like some of the adults in my church–whining about everything.

  9. richard mills

    How come nobody thought about taking that screaming kid to the “Mother’s Room”? Or was it already occupied by older kids & adults too lazy to sit in the regular pew? Remember, the screaming kid might grow up to be a famous preacher/evangelist. Somebody gimme a loud AMEN! Just like that good old kid’s song from the Primary-
    I’m gonna scream, scream, scream.
    I’m gonna scream, scream, scream.
    I’m gonna scream all the way.
    When them gates are open wide,’
    I’m gonna scream inside.
    I’m gonna scream in Heaven all day. Woe iz me!!

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