SILVER SPRING, Md. --- According to documents leaked this morning, a determined team of General Conference hackers has succeeded in downloading all names from Starbucks Rewards customer loyalty databases.
The hackers have passed the names on to GC data analysts that are crossreferencing the data with Adventist membership records to identify positive name and address matches.
Although little is known about what the GC plans to do with the names of Adventists found in the Starbucks data, an anonymous source close to the secretive operation says Adventist Starbucks account holderers are being sorted into two main categories: church employees and mere members.
The source mentioned that the employee list of matches has been sorted further, with Starbucks Gold Card members appearing on a short list.
"For some reason I found the short list in a folder labeled 'budget cuts,'" said the source.