General Conference SWAT teams raid offices of women-ordaining unions

It's on!
Here they come…

SILVER SPRING, Md. — SWAT teams of elite Master Guides dressed in black were sent by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists to storm the offices of the Pacific Union and the Columbia Union this morning.

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Several senior leaders in both locations were rushed into waiting helicopters and an undisclosed amount of hard drives, hard copy policy manuals and Little Debbie treats were confiscated.

SWAT personnel hit hard and fast, saying┬áthings like they were “quelling a rebellion,” and “acting as God’s highest authority on earth sent to shut down women’s ordination,” and “happy Sabbath.”

Younger staffers who got a close look at the firearms carried by SWAT members identified them as paint guns. Others marveled at how much the batons looked like spray-painted pieces of prosage. But over everyone hung a spirit of panicked confusion.

Entirely shocked by the aggressive tactics, employees at both union offices spoke in hushed tones, surveyed the damage and asked what it all must mean.

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    • Rohan Charlton

      In effect, this is kind of what’s happening. Of course the methods are cynical and political, but the result will be more or less the same. Sad that so many people will be hurt over one man’s tyrannical desire to secure his legacy and live up to his idea of his father’s legacy. This is the pendulum swinging into madness.

  1. Ernie

    Hey, we’re those frozen prosage because if so, those are lethal weapons!

    And I never made it to Master Guide so I didn’t get a chance to try out for the black uniforms. My bad!

  2. Becoming a mission again is actually a treat, not a punishment! We get to keep our own money in our field and the world church supports our growth! Win Win. Sure some church officials lose their jobs for the wrong reasons, but who says we can’t hire them back?

  3. Joshua

    This is a this kind of satire is a disrgrace to God and His church. I pray that God may have mercy on us and that we may put our focus where it belongs. Revelation 3:14-21

  4. Jan

    There will be no Medal of Honor issued by the Master for this action. If we are all priests, why are we as women assigned a class of the unrecognized as called. According to Jeremiah 1:5 we were ordained in our mother’s womb, for our calling to ministry. Who could have guessed the persecution would have started in our own church family, by the old leadership in the church? Oh yeah, that’s right, the story of Jesus. We just need to accept that we are following in the footsteps of Jesus. It’s not an easy swallow.

  5. Richard mills

    One of the SWAT Pathfider requirements is to climb the outside of the GC headquarters.. Another one is to infiltrate LomaLinda undetected for 7 days. I am all excited! Woe iz me!

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