Number of Adventists in Canada triples after US election

They couldn't have planned it better...
They couldn’t have planned it better…
OSHAWA, Ontario — The headquarters of the Adventist Church in Canada is reporting tremendous growth this week.

In a mere 48 hours, church officials said that the number of Adventists in the country tripled.

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Desperate American Adventists have begged church leaders to dispense with the time-consuming realities of formal membership transfers and to fast-track their membership in Canadian churches.

“I don’t care what church you find, just get me in somewhere,” said a wild-eyed Adventist physical therapist from Riverside, California, who promised to volunteer as a church parking attendant every Sabbath for four to eight years straight at whichever Canadian congregation would take him.

Canadian church growth specialists released a statement saying that “never in our history have so many souls been added to our number in so short a time. The Americans should vote more often.”

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7 Comments

  1. NICK SCAVO

    NOW THAT THE REPUBLICANS ARE IN MAYBE SOMETHING WILL BE DONE ABOUT THE 4000 UNBORN MURDERED IN THE US EVERYDAY BY ABORTION AND THIS INCLUDES THE ELECTIVE ABORTIONS BEING DONE IN SOME ADVENTIST HOSPITALS SINCE AS EARLY AS 1970 ADVENTIST SHOULD DEMAND THAT THIS PRACTICE CEASE IF NOT MAKE THESE HOSPITALS DROP THE NAME ADVENTIST ALL MEMBERS WILL BE ASKED ABOUT THIS SOON WE WILL SUFFER GUILT BY ASSOCIATION I HAVE BEEN AN ADVENTIST OVER 40 YEARS SOLD OUR LITERATURE DOOR TO DOOR NOTHING THAT HAS OCCURRED IN OUR MOVEMENT HAS DEPRESSED ME MORE THAN THIS CHRISTIAN HOSPITALS SHOULD NOT BE IN THE MURDER BUSINESS THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

    • STU REDMAN

      HEY NICK, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. ADVENTISM LIKE OTHER DENOMINATIONS AND “RELIGIONS” ARE A SMOKE SCREEN WE GET TRAPPED INTO. WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE THAT IF WE ARE NOT MEMBERS OF “THE TRUE CHURCH” THEN WE ARE CONDEMNED. WELL THERE IS NOT PATH TO SALVATION OTHER THAN DIRECTLY THRU CHRIST. THAT EXCLUDES THE SDA CHURCH, CATHOLICS, AND ALL OTHERS. I AM SDA AND LIKE IT, BUT THE FORMAL SDA CHURCH IS NOTHING MORE THAN AN ORGANIZED MODE OF WORSHIP, NOT THE MEDIUM FOR SALVATION.
      AS FAR AS SDA HOSPITALS?, TRUE WORDS. HINSDALE HOSPITAL NOW IS NOT ANY DIFFERENT FROM MANAGEMENT TO FOOD SERVICES AS ANY OTHER, BUT THERE WAS A TIME WHEN IT DID STAND OUT FROM THE REST.

  2. Joe Canada

    Official: We will only accept women of child bearing age as long as they have a clean bill of health, $50000 or more of net worth, funny and good cooks. All others, go to Europe.

  3. Richieeeee Rich

    Oh, Ye of little faith-I prophesied the other day of a mass exodus of SDA’s & U-Haul, Ryder, etc. vehicles heading for the Canadian border. My immigration sources tell me if one identifies himself/herself as an SDA, they are cleared to cross the border with no problem. Your only ID is an SDA product like Little Debbies, LL Big Frank or a Worthington product label. Even an ABC receipt is sufficient. Baptismal certificates are not allowed. Letters from your Pastor or a high church official will not do.
    I’m on my way this weekend after the falling of the stars on Nov. 13. The rush will have subsided by Nov. 22. Woe iz all of youse guys.

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