Self-professed Ellen White expert rummaging through red books looking for Bible


BATTLE CREEK, Mich. —  Self-styled Adventist heritage guru and enthusiastically amateur Ellen White writings compiler, Lester Lite, expressed mild consternation at not being able to find a single copy of the Bible this afternoon.

Rummaging through a mountain of Testimonies and well-worn copies of Counsels on Diet and Foods, Lite felt sure that he would at least find a trusty KJV somewhere.

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Half an hour into his search, his flagging spirits leapt as he glimpsed a weighty tome with gold trim pages.

His hopes were dashed upon the rocks as he dusted off the cover and discovered the volume to simply be a special edition Great Controversy from an overly-ambitious independent publisher.

Letting out a sigh of defeat, Lite decided to direct his efforts at more profitable pursuits like dreaming up interpretations to White’s unpublished letters.

Tell the World: The Inspiring Story of the Seventh-day Adventist Church

Elsewhere in Battle Creek, a prolific pioneer turned in her grave.

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  1. Mark O. Ruby-oh

    Question is, did the researcher find any indication of whom we should vote for? There are two bad choices: Donald Tramp and Crooked Hellary. I suspect E. G. White would say, “Vote for the lesser of the two evils” — even if he has small hands.

    • Ray Kraft

      Why do you think the guy with small hands is the lesser of two evils? The NYT reports (Sunday, July 17) that the guy with small hands has been sued more than 3,500 times . . . a lotta people might think that where there’s that much smoke there might be some fire . . . how many people do you know who’ve been sued 3,500 times? – extrapolating that over 35 years in business, that’s 100 lawsuits a year, two a week.

  2. Ellen Why

    “Elsewhere in Battle Creek, a prolific pioneer turned in her grave.” That would be me. (How do I know? Because I read this blog on my iPhone in my grave. We have Wi-Fi in the cemetery.)

  3. Hezekiah4:1

    Processed? Yep, that is what my email subject line read. Glad it was “professed” instead.

    Lite article, but I read it nonetheless. Yawn…looking forward to better articles to come.


    • Michelle O'Bomber

      Not true. Ellen had “literary assistants” according to her own son Willie White (although he testified that EGW reviewed and approved everything before it went to press).

  4. Paul Manafart

    What about 3ABN’s special edition of the Bible that includes Ellen White quotes inserted directly into the text of Scripture? Tell the research novice to check that one.

    • Jack Frost

      Good point! It’s hard to tell whether the lesser light is pointing to the greater light, or whether the greater light is pointing to the lesser light. King James and Queen Ellen would both roll over in their graves.

    • Theo Cruise

      Name changes – You you had to work up to this, didn’t you? From Manifort to Manafart – must admit your latest choice is the funniest! I think mana was a type of white bean?

  5. Melanin Tramp

    So what did you want me to do? Should I have said: “As my predecessor Michelle Obama said in her speech in 2008, . . . .”? That would have been tacky. This was not a college term paper, after all. I have heard plenty of preachers who plagiarized their entire sermons from EGW books or from online sermon repositories, and never gave credit or cited the source.

    • Ruth Bladder Ginsing

      Hey Melanoma, I regret saying that your husband will be a disaster. I regret saying that I can’t fathom him being President. I regret saying that I will move to New Zealand if he wins. I regret saying that he is a faker. I “regret” these things so much, that I just had to repeat it again for emphasis! After all, how would anybody know what I claim to “regret” unless I repeat it again?

    • Donald J. Dump

      Don’t worry, my dear Melanoma. The Democraps have nothing better to talk about. Michelle O’Bomber should be flattered. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. See you at the Repooplican Convention tonight. Make America Skate Again!

  6. Hugh Heiffer

    Don’t judge all women the same. Just because she’s a female, doesn’t mean she’s a woman. It could be a wolf in women’s clothing. But I think you’re right 99% of the time. As Paul the Epistle said, “It is better to burn than to marry.” Stay away from the Siren’s seductive lure of danger.

  7. richard mills

    Hey, Brother Lester- here is a place you overlooked. Look near the bottom of the antique podium there in BC church. It’s underneath where you would rest your foot, Pull it out and Voila!! There is a KJV Bible. Seen it there myself. Try to hold it up for 30 minutes. Bet you can’t! Eat some more Little Debbies and you still won’t be able to hold it up. Oh, ye Lester of little faith!! Woe iz YOU!

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