Starbucks sues Seventh-day Adventist Church for slandering caffeine

They’re mad
SEATTLE, Wash. — Starbucks Coffee Company is suing the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists for what it calls “systematic slander of caffeine.” The company claims that Adventist rhetoric against caffeine has robbed the coffee chain of profits in markets around the world.

Starbucks spokesperson Max Gittery said that due to the rapid growth of Adventism, more and more people are listening to the “supposed” health message of the church and staying away from Starbucks stores.

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“Even when we succeed in attracting Adventists to our coffee shops they are a hassle,” said Gittery. “They slow down business by ordering decaf versions of all our drinks. This backs up our baristas and gets on everyone’s already tense nerves.”

Gittery said that Starbucks stores have particularly suffered at large Adventist events such as General Conference Sessions. “We aren’t even able to serve our decaf products at Adventist events,” said Gittery. “The only way we do any business is serving Adventist rebels that leave their meetings to hunt down nearby stores during meeting breaks.”

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  1. Ray Kraft

    Medical Research in the last century has shown that coffee and caffeine have many positive health benefits. Drinking several cups of coffee a day will reduce the risk of diabetes, liver cancer and cirrhosis and other liver diseases, Parkinson’s disease, Multiple Sclerosis, and reduce the risk of heart failure and premature death.

    Maybe the Adventist church really needs to re-evaluate its teachings about caffeine and coffee in view of the medical evidence . . . maybe drinking more coffee should be part of the Health Message?

  2. Nancy

    There’s not much you can say when it has been proven that Seventh-day Adventists generally live longer than most. Bet it’s due to the health message and God’s grace.

    • Tragedy

      ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Conversation at the pearly gates:

      Adventists: “Lord, Lord, have we not kept the health message and done many good works in Your name? Have we not avoided caffeine, while stuffing ourselves with Little Debbies? Let us in, please.”

      Jesus: “Sorry, I never knew you.” (Matt. 7:21-23.)

      • The Real Tragedy

        Revelation 22:18
        “I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues which are written in this book; 19and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his part from the tree of life and from the holy city, which are written in this book.…”

        • The Worst Tragedy

          “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” (Matt. 7:1-2) “There is a thin line that separates comedy and tragedy.” (Erma Bombeck) “The richest person, without a sense of humor, is poor indeed.” (Claxton Gray)

  3. richard mills

    What Starbucks needs to do is find a way to get on board. If they reinvent the Postum brand into a Starbucks brand, now you’ve got a responsible caffeine drink. Viola”” instant success. Problem solved. Time to get it to the vendors of the 2020 GC in that great big dome in Indianapolis. I, for one, will be a repeat customer. Along with consuming my Little Debbies sugar coated desserts. How much investment would Starbucks want from me?. I’m gonna see my broker tomorrow AM. Woe iz me!!

  4. Sue Gentry

    Well, I find this all interesting. A major coffee shop is SUING the Seventh-Day Adventist church due to “the caffeine issue?” I thought I had heard EVERYTHING, but this takes the cake. I “used” to drink coffee just so I could have enough “zip” to conquer all my under-post-graduate work. I went through withdrawals when I graduated from Graduate School. Starbucks??? Get real!!!! Research what SDA’s beliefs are about what you proposed is “hurting” your business. I do NOT drink coffee-in fact, to smell coffee in ANY form, causes me to have “killer” headaches. (BTW-I am a very happy SDA without all the coffee) Check the facts, before you conjure up a lawsuit to sue any establishment-aka churches.

  5. “Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”

  6. richard mills

    Pay Attention, here-look closely at the Starbucks logo. Notice the “horn” rising out of the head. There is a crown on her head. The strands of hair are flowing down in a set of 3. See the 2 large hands. There are 7 stripes on each arm. Now I want you to stare at the face, yes-STARE at the face. What do you see? You see the “Tree of Paradise” rising out of the Garden of Eden. Add everything up and it all equals 666, the Mark of the Beast!
    Where are all the doomsday evangelists on this one? I need an interpretation ASAP. Woe iz me!! Ben-Tofu lives also matter!!

    • Dr. Ben Car-sin

      A recent study concluded that coffee drinkers consume more coffee than non-coffee-drinkers. It also concluded that Adventists consume more decaf than dead people.

  7. richard mills

    Hey, the next time I give an altar call, you is gonna give up all those evil habits or I will see to it that the fires will never go out where you are headed. Do I hear a loud AMEN! Do you want to be on the outside looking in or on the inside looking out in that great city in the sky. I say, Give it up now, repent before it’s too late.!! Bah, humbug!!

      • richard mills

        Ellen, poor Ellen-This site is made up fiction, not the pulp fiction you read or see on TV or in the supermarket tabloids. Barely Adventist lives really matter. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
        Let’s have unity here.

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