BREAKING NEWS
Marietta, Ga. — Today’s evangelistic campaign crowd in downtown Marietta, Ga. has been notified that everyone will be staying put until at least one more brave soul comes up front and commits to baptism.
Reports from inside what is starting to resemble a hostage crisis say that visiting revival preacher, Revvem Ahp has been warning those in attendance that he will not accept existing converts that come up to the altar just to ease the tension.
“I’m not doing rebaptisms or recommitment so if you come up for that we’ll all be back at square one,” said Ahp to a defeated crowd and an exhausted singer on his seventh complete run-through of I Surrender All. “I can be here all night.”
Ahp made sure to clarify that he wouldn’t be “breaking the tension by inviting you to take a stand in your hearts or to raise your hands. I want fresh commitment and I want it to happen right up front.”
At press time the sun is setting and stranded attendees have been texting family and friends to let them know they love them and not to wait up.
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