BREAKING NEWS
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced this morning that after years of rigorous study, modern science can conclusively prove that calories consumed on Sabbath do not make you fat.
“Calories ingested during the 24 hour period between Friday and Saturday sunset simply do not register,” said lead researcher, Dame Mas. “At first we could not believe it ourselves.”
Mas said that the FDA initiated its research seven years ago after multiple claims from Seventh-day Adventists that they could eat whatever they wanted during the period in question without gaining so much as an ounce.
After several rounds of testing with what Mas calls a “disproportionately high percentage of extremely obliging, mostly Seventh-day Adventist volunteers,” she said the FDA had indisputable data to back up the Adventist claims.
The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has yet to issue any remarks responding to the FDA announcement. However, sources confirm that an impromptu, Friday night agape feast is in the works.
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