BREAKING NEWS
SILVER SPRING, Md. — SWAT teams of elite Master Guides dressed in black were sent by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists to storm the offices of the Pacific Union and the Columbia Union this morning.
Several senior leaders in both locations were rushed into waiting helicopters and an undisclosed amount of hard drives, hard copy policy manuals and Little Debbie treats were confiscated.
SWAT personnel hit hard and fast, saying things like they were “quelling a rebellion,” and “acting as God’s highest authority on earth sent to shut down women’s ordination,” and “happy Sabbath.”
Younger staffers who got a close look at the firearms carried by SWAT members identified them as paint guns. Others marveled at how much the batons looked like spray-painted pieces of prosage. But over everyone hung a spirit of panicked confusion.
Entirely shocked by the aggressive tactics, employees at both union offices spoke in hushed tones, surveyed the damage and asked what it all must mean.
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