COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Biblical prophecy experts from Southern Adventist University released a formal statement saying the Atlanta Falcons are prophesied to win the 2017 Super Bowl.
“For the sake of clarity, we have lumped together all biblical references to falcons, hawks and eagles in the Bible,” said Southern’s School of Religion spokesperson Vasper Tai.
She claimed that a detailed study of every proof text had led to a flurry of prophetic chart drawing that had occupied every waking moment of the Southern Daniel and Revelation professors’ schedules for the last week.
While the experts concluded that an exact final score had not been predicted, they said a Falcons win was inevitable.
“We can say without a shred of doubt or bias, that the Atlanta Falcons will soar on wings like eagles and prevail against the Philistine rabble that is the New England Patriots,” said the scholars’ statement.
“We also have ample evidence to suggest that numerous major and minor prophets would have opposed the decision to give Lady Gaga the half-time show.”
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