BREAKING NEWS
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church is beefing up security with dedicated Illuminati detectors.
Effective immediately, anyone entering the General Conference building will need to pass through the ultra-sensitive scanners to make sure they are not a member of the secret society rumored to be infiltrating organizations globally.
Anyone that sets off the detectors will be added to a list of confirmed Illuminati that is already extremely long thanks to Adventist conspiracy theorists with a half-decent wifi signal and far too much time on their hands.
A GC statement about the new detectors said that anyone working on the second floor of the building should allow for more time to get to work as they may be subject to “additional randomized checks.”
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