Silver Spring, Md. – The General Conference has announced a ban on all chocolate products containing coffee or alcohol, effective immediately. To enforce the new policy, the GC has hired a team of inspectors to conduct impromptu visits to Adventist homes and offices worldwide.
“We must remain vigilant against the insidious influence of caffeine and alcohol,” said GC spokesperson Ima Purist. “Even trace amounts hidden in seemingly innocent chocolate pose a grave threat to our members’ spiritual and physical well-being.”
The inspectors, armed with state-of-the-art detection equipment, will be authorized to search pantries, refrigerators, and even secret stashes for contraband confections. Adventists found in possession of banned chocolate will face disciplinary action, including mandatory health seminars and community service at local health food stores.
Some praised the move as a bold stand for Adventist principles. “Ellen White warned us about the dangers of stimulants,” said one fervent supporter. “If we compromise on chocolate, what’s to stop us from serving cocktails at potluck?”
The ban has also raised concerns about privacy and overreach. “I don’t want some stranger rummaging through my kitchen cabinets,” complained one member. “Who knows what they’ll dock me for.”
GC officials, however, remain undeterred. “We must be willing to sacrifice personal convenience for the greater good,” insisted Purist. “If we can save even one soul from the perils of mocha truffles, it will all be worth it.”
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