The General Conference Nominating Committee announced today that they are putting forth additional Adventist candidates for the 2024 US presidential race.
“After the runaway success of Dr. Ben Carson’s 2016 campaign, we figured why stop there?” said a spokesperson. “America is clearly in need of an Adventist in the White House. Preferably one with strong opinions on breakfast cereals.”
The list of potential nominees reads like a who’s who of Adventist celebrities:
– Doug Batchelor – His fiery preaching style is perfect for filibustering in the Senate. Downside: might try to shut down the government on Saturdays.
– David Gates – This missionary pilot could fly circles around Air Force One. But his fondness for doomsday predictions could tank the stock market.
– Dwight Nelson – Sure to keep everyone awake during the State of the Union with his dynamic speaking skills. Might replace the National Anthem with the Pathfinder song.
– Ted Wilson – Already used to running a bureaucracy resistant to change. But his first executive order would likely be moving the capital to Battle Creek.
The committee admitted these candidates may raise eyebrows over certain Adventist quirks, such as:
– Vetoing any bills that interfere with Sabbath afternoon naps
– Constantly reminding people that the Second Coming is “very soon”
– Serving haystacks at every state dinner
“Okay, so there might be a few minor hurdles,” the spokesperson admitted. “But just think of the evangelism potential! We could air Net ’24 from the Rose Garden!”
SPONSORED LINKS
.
