In a groundbreaking initiative aimed at boosting church attendance and fostering spiritual growth, the Piety Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church has launched its controversial “Adopt-a-Backslider” program. This innovative outreach effort pairs the congregation’s most judgmental members with those deemed to be “sliding away” from the church’s rigorous standards of holiness.
Pastor Earnest Goode, the mastermind behind the program, explained its inception: “We realized we had an untapped resource in our most critical church members. Why let all that judgment go to waste when it could be channeled into something productive?”
The program works by assigning each judgmental member a “project case” – typically a young adult who’s been spotted at Starbucks on Sabbath or an elderly member who’s missed two consecutive potlucks. The judgmental member, now dubbed a “Holiness Mentor,” is tasked with the sacred duty of steering their adoptee back to the straight and narrow path.
Gertrude Grimace, a long-time church member known for her disapproving stares, shared her enthusiasm for her new role. “For years, I’ve been perfecting my tsk-tsk sounds and eyebrow raises. Now, I finally have an official outlet for my gift of discernment!”
Her assigned backslider, 23-year-old Melody Freespirit, seemed less enthused. “I missed one Sabbath School class to volunteer at a homeless shelter, and suddenly I’m a ‘project case.’ Sister Grimace now texts me hourly reminders about the dangers of worldliness.”
The program has already yielded some unexpected results. Tom Wayward, a recent “adoptee,” reported, “After two weeks of Sister Sourpuss following me around with a measuring tape to check my pants length, I’ve started attending the Sunday church down the street. They seem to care less about my hemlines and more about my heart.”
Despite mixed reactions, Pastor Goode remains optimistic. “We’re seeing a real impact already. Our ‘project cases’ are either returning to the fold or finding creative ways to avoid their mentors. Either way, it’s keeping everyone on their toes!”
The church plans to expand the program, introducing advanced courses such as “Passive-Aggressive Witnessing” and “Advanced Hairstyle Critique for Soul-Winning.” They’re also developing a mobile app that will allow Holiness Mentors to track their adoptees’ movements and automatically send pre-written judgment messages.
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