The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has announced a sweeping new policy banning all forms of movement during Sabbath song service. The initiative, dubbed “Statuesque Sabbath,” aims to eliminate what church leaders are calling “distracting kinetic worship.”
Elder Rigid Stockstill, chair of the newly formed Committee on Motionless Melodies, explained the rationale behind the decision: “We’ve long struggled with the line between reverent worship and unbridled charisma. After much prayer and deliberation, we’ve determined that the safest course of action is complete immobility.”
Key points of the new policy include:
– All congregants must assume a “worship-ready” position before the first note of each song and maintain it until the final “Amen”
– Breathing is permitted but must be shallow and inaudible
– Blinking is allowed but discouraged, with a recommended maximum of 3 blinks per verse
– In extreme cases, congregants may be asked to wear neck braces and arm slings to ensure compliance
To enforce the new guidelines, churches are instructed to install state-of-the-art motion sensors in their sanctuaries. Any detected movement during singing will trigger a system that automatically lowers the sanctuary temperature to near-freezing, encouraging worshippers to remain still.
“We believe this policy will usher in a new era of focused, distraction-free worship,” said Stockstill. “By removing all physical expression, we can ensure that our minds and hearts are fully engaged in praising God, even if our bodies appear to be in rigor mortis.”
The announcement has been met with mixed reactions. Some members have praised the move, with one elderly deacon remarking, “Finally, church will be exactly like it was in my youth – cold and immobile.”
However, some younger Adventists have expressed concern. “I sneeze a lot during allergy season,” worried college student Amy Fidget. “Does this mean I’ll be escorted out if I sneeze during ‘The Old Rugged Cross’?”
As churches scramble to implement the new policy, reports are already emerging of underground “movement meetings,” where rebellious Adventists gather in secret to engage in forbidden activities like swaying, toe-tapping, and even *gasp* hand-raising.
Image: Facebook – Pioneer Memorial Church
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