Collegedale, Tenn. — Brad Thompson is demanding a medal and formal recognition from his church board after volunteering to teach the Cradle Roll Sabbath School class last week.
Thompson, a 42-year-old accountant and father of three, claims his heroic act of leading a group of toddlers through a 30-minute lesson on Noah’s Ark deserves nothing less than the church’s highest honor.
“I’ve faced some challenges in my life, but nothing could have prepared me for the chaos of Cradle Roll,” Thompson declared, still visibly shaken from the experience. “Do you know how hard it is to keep a dozen 2-year-olds focused on felt animals while their parents scroll on their phones? It’s like herding cats… if the cats were hopped up on Stripples and Little Debbies.”
Sources close to the situation report that Thompson spent a grueling 15 minutes preparing for the class by skimming the teacher’s quarterly and hastily cutting out paper rainbows the night before. His wife, Sarah, corroborated this account, adding, “I’ve never seen Brad so invested in anything church-related. He even practiced his animal noises in the shower that morning.”
The church board, caught off guard by Thompson’s impassioned plea for recognition, is reportedly considering creating a new “Order of the Diaper Bag” award to appease him.
At press time, Thompson was seen lobbying for a dedicated parking spot and a throne-like chair for his next Cradle Roll teaching stint, insisting that “if I’m going to wrangle these tiny disciples again, I at least deserve a comfortable seat and easy access to the exit.”
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